When Tricky Brain met Perfectionism

One thing about me is that I would not say ‘perfectionism’ if someone asked what my greatest weakness is (I’m not sure what I would say, because let’s face it, it’s a weird question).

But I am passionate about perfectionism becoming a central concept in therapeutic conversations. Research has shown that perfectionism underlies harmful mental health conditions for many. It is a critical component in understanding how our tricky brain got so out of sorts.

Perfectionism is defined as ‘trying to perfect an imperfect self in an unobtainable pursuit’. Key characteristics are insecurity and shame – understandably when the central belief is that we are imperfect and flawed.

You can see why I’m not bragging about this at job interviews, hey?

One big problem with perfectionism is the link to our inherently tricky brain, whose purpose is to keep us as safe as possible AT ALL TIMES. Often through avoiding social judgement. 

This feeds into a cycle where the inner critic screams at us that we are not good enough, while the tricky brain panics over what other’s will think of us and how this will affect us.

Now I would not say tricky brain is my greatest weakness either, because we all have one. It’s unavoidable! It’s trying so hard! Please give it some credit for all that effort, then gently send those thoughts on their way.

Choosing this topic, I wondered if you might have heard enough about perfectionism already. At the same time, the start of the year was going at lightning speed around me and I could feel the topic coming up more and more. Moreover, I noticed that we don’t talk about it very much. (Not dinner party conversation, hey long time readers!)

And it’s February, the month of love, so these two soulmates are ‘perfect’ to discuss.

Dr Russ Harris introduced the concept of the ‘not good enough storyline’ to me when I was training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I think this can be gold for perfectionists. It’s like a filing cabinet for all of your imperfect, flawed, self-critical thoughts. When you notice them, fondly greet them: ‘Ah, there it is again, the not good enough storyline. I already know that one.’

It's a way of saying that we’ve heard it all already. We’ve given the energy to it and the investment did not return. The ‘not good enough storyline’ is like our junk mail folder, where we can say ‘thank you for the offer of $60 MILLION, Mr Foreign Prince, but it’s not for me.’

‘Thank you for the offer of being perfect, My Tricky Brain, but it’s not for me.’ 

I hope that you can change your perfectionism to humanism, one tricky thought at a time.

 Warm wishes,

Grace