Self-Compassion for People Pleasing
The run down on people pleasing and why self-compassion can be our most powerful tool for overcoming it.
People pleasing
There is a resounding commonality to the experience of people pleasing, which links to our thoughts of ‘not good enough’ and feelings of guilt, shame and resentment.
By definition, people pleasing is putting other’s needs before your own with the goal of making others happy, keeping the peace, or avoiding conflict.
Emma Reed Turrell, author of Please Yourself: How To Stop People-Pleasing And Transform The Way You Live, theorises 4 types of people pleasers.
The Classic – going out of their way to do more than necessary to make others happy to to get appreciation from others (aka to be liked)
The Shadow – someone who often makes themselves the side character to prioritise others’ goals and desires
The Pacifier – avoiding conflict by avoiding displeasing others, the one who doesn’t rock the boat and often the ‘peace keeper’ of their circle
The Resistor – on the surface, they don’t care what others think, but deep down they are highly affected by worries and pressure to please others
You can find a lot of advice for people pleasers along the lines of ‘just say no’. Picture this – someone who is strung out with anxiety, trying their best to hold it together, told to take the most risky path which is likely out of their skillset. That would be distressing for anyone!
People pleasers usually lack practice in being assertive, identifying their own needs, and resolving conflict in balanced ways. It’s threatening to have to learn these uncomfortable skills.
Our nervous system and our tricky brain say NO before we could ever tell our friend “no, we won’t drive two hours for brunch” or tell our boss “no, I won’t take on unpaid overtime.”
Self-compassion
So our threat system is firing, right? What can we do to soothe it?
Self-compassion! The hero of our soothe system! Oxytocin boosting, self-compassion has been found to improve hormone regulation, reduce stress, and improve immune function.
Self-compassion is the reassurance that we are enough, just as we are, human and all. It can soothe the worries of people pleasing, turn off the threat system, and give us the choice to prioritise our own needs. It helps us to regulate our emotions, learn the necessary skills like assertiveness, and tolerate the discomfit of other people’s disappointment.
I’ve come up with a quick self-compassion activation for people pleasers to help you try this out.
First – get comfy, with your feet flat on the floor, your breath soft and rhythmic, and your hand over your heart
Affirm – repeat these phrases in your mind in a warm and friendly inner tone:
‘I am already enough, exactly as I am’,
‘It is not my responsibility to guess how other people feel, it is their job to tell me’,
‘My needs and desires matter’,
‘I am my biggest ally in this world.’
I hope this can be your first step forward into a life where you prioritise your own joy.
Warm wishes,
Grace