The Power of Common Humanity
I often find myself saying ‘therapy is not dinner party conversation’. The difference between conversations in a therapy room and conversations at a dinner party is nuanced. For one, your therapist has pledged to be non-judgemental, objective, and to have unconditional positive regard for you. Your dinner party guests on the other hand…
As a Psychologist, I have a front row seat to humanity. One of the greatest privileges of this role is to see the commonness and the humanness, those things we don’t often share in our society. It is bringing to light things that have perhaps never been spoken aloud before. That may have hidden in shame, fear or isolation.
These things: intrusive thoughts, unvarnished emotions like resentment and loneliness, and desires we don’t yet know how to achieve or if we will be allowed to. The unmasking. What you might not know is that someone sat in that chair before you, sharing the same fear.
Just this week, some themes I have witnessed are: not knowing what decision will be what you want, panicking in situations others may find straightforward, wishing for social connectedness and not knowing how to achieve it, having things fall apart when it is most inconvenient, and grieving for a best friend in secret because they happened to be a pet so it is not socially acceptable to grieve out loud.
And maybe your first reaction to that is that of course, the people who attend therapy are a unique sample. The ones who admit to not having it all together all the time. But I think they are unique in their courage and vulnerability, not in their experiences.
Our common humanity is an experience of struggle, anxieties, and suffering. We all experience suffering. We all have tricky brains that turn on a struggle switch with worry, self-criticism, and shame.
Dinner parties are, by contrast, often a place of ideals. Uncommon experiences. For me, even this experience of eating a beautifully curated meal at a well-set table is rare. Sharing only what feels interesting or admirable is a part of our culture of perfectionism.
Researcher Thomas Curran calls perfectionism ‘everyone’s favourite flaw’ and the ‘emblem of the successful’ in his TED Talk on the subject. It’s no wonder that we interact with others from a viewpoint of idealism.
So there’s the contrast between my couch and your dinner table, this allowing for imperfection and vulnerability. For common humanity.
Perhaps you can take that in as a practice of self-compassion. Reminding yourself often of common humanity. In the vastness of our humanity, you are not alone. Others are experiencing what you feel right now. Others are not able to articulate this to you, but it is very real. Suffering and struggle are our baseline, not our lowest points.
A gentle reminder to self -- ‘This is a moment of suffering and I am not alone in it.’
Warm wishes,
Grace