The Power of Common Humanity

I often find myself saying ‘therapy is not dinner party conversation’. The difference between conversations in a therapy room and conversations at a dinner party is nuanced. For one, your therapist has pledged to be non-judgemental, objective, and to have unconditional positive regard for you. Your dinner party guests on the other hand…

As a Psychologist, I have a front row seat to humanity. One of the greatest privileges of this role is to see the commonness and the humanness, those things we don’t often share in our society. It is bringing to light things that have perhaps never been spoken aloud before. That may have hidden in shame, fear or isolation.

These things: intrusive thoughts, unvarnished emotions like resentment and loneliness, and desires we don’t yet know how to achieve or if we will be allowed to. The unmasking. What you might not know is that someone sat in that chair before you, sharing the same fear.

Just this week, some themes I have witnessed are: not knowing what decision will be what you want, panicking in situations others may find straightforward, wishing for social connectedness and not knowing how to achieve it, having things fall apart when it is most inconvenient, and grieving for a best friend in secret because they happened to be a pet so it is not socially acceptable to grieve out loud.

And maybe your first reaction to that is that of course, the people who attend therapy are a unique sample. The ones who admit to not having it all together all the time. But I think they are unique in their courage and vulnerability, not in their experiences.

Our common humanity is an experience of struggle, anxieties, and suffering. We all experience suffering. We all have tricky brains that turn on a struggle switch with worry, self-criticism, and shame.

Dinner parties are, by contrast, often a place of ideals. Uncommon experiences. For me, even this experience of eating a beautifully curated meal at a well-set table is rare. Sharing only what feels interesting or admirable is a part of our culture of perfectionism.

Researcher Thomas Curran calls perfectionism ‘everyone’s favourite flaw’ and the ‘emblem of the successful’ in his TED Talk on the subject. It’s no wonder that we interact with others from a viewpoint of idealism.

So there’s the contrast between my couch and your dinner table, this allowing for imperfection and vulnerability. For common humanity.

Perhaps you can take that in as a practice of self-compassion. Reminding yourself often of common humanity. In the vastness of our humanity, you are not alone. Others are experiencing what you feel right now. Others are not able to articulate this to you, but it is very real. Suffering and struggle are our baseline, not our lowest points.

A gentle reminder to self -- ‘This is a moment of suffering and I am not alone in it.’

Warm wishes,

Grace

Managing Holiday Stress

The pressures keep building over the holiday season, expectations skyrocket and yet we’re expected to be merry. Let’s unpack that.

While we may be presented with an image of glowing holiday memories, perfect gifts, family gathered around, and smiling faces, this is not what Christmas looks like for many. Even if we try to recreate it, it is simply two-dimensional. As humans with complex and tricky minds and ever-changing emotions, it gets a bit complicated.

Our context (in this case - Australia! 2023!) creates expectations of:

• Togetherness with family and friends

• Gift giving (often the ‘perfect’ gift, which has been heavily marketed to us)

• Creating epic memories

• Travel - even if it’s just to the beach (oh boy, will the traffic prove that one)

• Taking time off work (even though many industries are in high demand - retail, hospitality, emergency services, healthcare)

• Being merry, joyful, happy, cheerful, etc etc

This puts pressure on us to come up with the money, time, energy, emotional bandwidth, and social connections to make all that possible. And make it look effortless! You are not alone if you need to work throughout the holidays, if you cannot afford to travel or purchase gifts, if you feel lonely, and if you would rather it wasn't Christmas.

While it can be a wonderful time to slow down for the year, perhaps taking a break from some things, reconnecting with ourselves, and do what is meaningful for us - all those expectations get in the way. One way to navigate this is to manage our stress, release expectations that are not congruent with our values, and take it one moment at a time.

Here are three effective ways to manage stress this holiday season:

1. Brain dump - get a piece of spare paper, write out everything that has been flying around your brain in a stream of consciousness, then crunch it up and throw that paper away.

2. Gentle movement - stress is one of those emotions that can get stuck in the body, so low-intensity exercise is great to move it on. Try: walking, yoga, or stretching.

3. Small wins - each day, set yourself 3 goals/ tasks that are easily accomplished within the time you have available and make a point of celebrating ticking those off.

Once you get some relief from that immediate sense of stress, you'll be able to work on patterns that cause stress (too many time commitments, too many expectations of ourselves, not enough rest… etc). Therapy can be a great place to untangle some of those if you want extra support. Remember, therapists are humans too and our Christmas is no more ‘perfect’ than yours. We get it.

I hope that gives you some space to change things if you need to… or at least 3 minutes of reading to distract you!

Wishing you a moment of peace and calm this silly season, take good care of yourself.

Warm wishes,

Grace